The past six months have been some of the most difficult and trying of my life, but at the same time, they have been the most rewarding. The story starts about ten months ago, and it's still in the writing. Here's the Reader's Digest version, but don't worry - I'll go back and share the funny parts in future posts.
About ten months ago is when we'll start... I was sitting across the table from my boyfriend of two months when I noticed a fuzzy, dancing cloud in my field of vision, right over his left shoulder. I remember thinking, "That's not right..." and told him I was going to go to the doctor if it didn't clear up. Unfortunately it didn't, and it actually started to get worse. It was time to seek help.
Over the course of the last ten months I have undergone two MRI's (a third one about to happen in the next couple of weeks), 5 hour-long steroid infusions, a spinal tap, and the scariest news of my life. I'm now a person living with Multiple Sclerosis.
This has been, as I mentioned, one of the most difficult things someone could learn. How do you react when you find out your body is attacking itself? How do you react when you find out you could become disabled? And how do you deal with the new future you have that no one has prepared you to face? How do you tell people? How do you make this a diagnosis, not a label? And how do you change your life to face this new challenge head on? These are all the questions I have faced and will continue to face for the rest of my life.
My current mindset has a few mantras, depending on the day and the challenge ahead. Here are a few of my faves (and thanks to those of you who remind me of them when I'm having a bad day).
- It's only MS. My sweet boyfriend was the one who first coined this one, the day before my doctor's appointment to figure out my diagnosis. It's true - it's two letters. It can always be more and it can always be worse. I'm a fortunate person that has received news that it's only MS, and it's not a death sentence. It's a life sentence.
- It's not a death sentence; it's a life sentence. Since diagnosis I have had a hard time deciding how I will be moving forward... Do I keep this a secret? Do I share my story? How do I bring people into my journey to encourage others and help find a cure? All of these have plagued me as I take steps to create a new normal. This blog is a part of that - reminding myself it's not a death sentence but something that is a prescription for a healthy, well rounded life.
- My life picture has a new mat. This is my favorite way to describe my diagnosis. My life was a beautiful picture, and before the diagnosis it seemed limitless. I was in grad school, had just met a fantastic man I hoped to continue to get to know, and was working in a job I had always hoped to have. Then, the scary words of MS. Guess what? The picture is still the same - I can still do my homework, I can still date this great man, and I can still rock at my job. I just need to make myself a priority - work out, stay a healthy weight, eat a lot of Vitamin D rich foods, and learn to say no so I can sleep and rest when I need to. The picture stayed the same, the boundaries just changed. It now had a mat of MS around it. And that's ok.
- Everybody has crap in their life; mine just has a name. In my 29 years I feel I have gone through a lot of crap. I lost my father unexpectedly at 22, was married at 23 to an abusive guy, divorced him at 26, left a very stressful job at 27, and was diagnosed with a chronic, potentially debilitating disease at 29. Guess what? There's always someone out there that has either gone through the exact same thing, or gone through something worse. The point of struggles in life is to learn from them and generate compassion for others so you can walk knowledgeably by their side to help them. My crap has a name - others aren't so lucky.
That great man I mentioned? Even after only two months of dating me without a sickness, he is still by my side! And we hope to be together for a VERY long time. :) He has been a wonderful support I am continually blessed by him.
My mom has also been an amazing blessing. Her tears, hugs and laughter have helped me through some of the darkest moments (she even sat in on the spinal tap - the doctor was cute...). :) She has also attended every infusion (I currently get drugs at the hospital every 28 days - round 4 was on Thursday).
My friends and family have all be wonderful! So have my co-workers, fellow MS patients, and anyone who has found out about my diagnosis. I'm blessed and supported more than I ever thought possible.
If you, or someone you know, has been touched by MS, hopefully the resurrection of this blog and my journey will be of help. That's the hope, and we need it! MS is a terrible disease. I'm lucky I have a mild case. That doesn't change the fact that I hope to someday live in a world without it.
Tag along, tell your friends, and I hope you'll enjoy my stories!
Thank you for sharing your story
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